Why oh why
Lately I feel as if the Universe is mocking me.
Saturday night I went out with N. I picked myself up a man in Manhattan Beach, I did. He was wearing fuzzy antlers and a blinking red nose. Naturally I was calling him Rudy for the 10 or 20 minutes I knew him, which was bar-closing time. When the waitstaff kicked us all out, Rudy proceeded to drag me away from my friends across the street towards his car. He might as well have uttered, "You. Woman. Me. Man. We. Fuck." In my somewhat drunken state, I was able to gather my wits and self-respect, yank my arm away, and go tripping back to my friends for the ride back to L.A. Wow, I can land a man, let me tell you. I mean you have to be really hot to snag a man at bar-closing time, when he's drunk and horny and his standards are lowered to zero. Yeah, felt really good about myself that night.
Fast forward to Tuesday. N and I go to lunch, where she flirts with Cute Sandwich Shop Owner and where they work out their little plans for bike-riding at the beach on Saturday. Cute guy she met on Saturday night...Cute Sandwich Shop Owner...and then there's the boyfriend! Hmm. I become suddenly and quite inexplicably outraged. We leave Sandwich Shop with our stupid low-fat salads and I explode. I ranted all the way back to work about how I must be walking about with a BAG over my head or something to that effect, because the only men I can seem to attract are the drunk types with fuzzy deer horns. What am I, chopped liver? What is wrong with me? Because I'd really like to KNOW! Am I so incredibly hideous?!
Now fast forward to Tuesday night, that very evening. The gas guy comes to fix my heater (finally! heat!) and fix the stove leak. He's cute. Really cute. He lingered...he fiddled with the stove a second, third, fourth time, unnecessarily...we talked about movies, music, dogs, our mothers. And then he finally started heading for the door, moving ever so slowly...and what do you think I did?
I quickly shut the door in his face.
That is what I did. Once he started for the door, I withdrew all the signals I had thrown out before, and reverted back to me, she who is a total social retard, i.e. cold and weird. Walking away, he must have felt like he had imagined the entire 2 hours he was here.
It was really like an out-of-body experience. As if I was suspended in the corner of the room, watching myself toss this guy out, and I had no power to stop myself!
And the Universe said, "Well? What have you got to say for yourself now?"
And to that I answer, "Where's the bag to put over my head?"
Saturday night I went out with N. I picked myself up a man in Manhattan Beach, I did. He was wearing fuzzy antlers and a blinking red nose. Naturally I was calling him Rudy for the 10 or 20 minutes I knew him, which was bar-closing time. When the waitstaff kicked us all out, Rudy proceeded to drag me away from my friends across the street towards his car. He might as well have uttered, "You. Woman. Me. Man. We. Fuck." In my somewhat drunken state, I was able to gather my wits and self-respect, yank my arm away, and go tripping back to my friends for the ride back to L.A. Wow, I can land a man, let me tell you. I mean you have to be really hot to snag a man at bar-closing time, when he's drunk and horny and his standards are lowered to zero. Yeah, felt really good about myself that night.
Fast forward to Tuesday. N and I go to lunch, where she flirts with Cute Sandwich Shop Owner and where they work out their little plans for bike-riding at the beach on Saturday. Cute guy she met on Saturday night...Cute Sandwich Shop Owner...and then there's the boyfriend! Hmm. I become suddenly and quite inexplicably outraged. We leave Sandwich Shop with our stupid low-fat salads and I explode. I ranted all the way back to work about how I must be walking about with a BAG over my head or something to that effect, because the only men I can seem to attract are the drunk types with fuzzy deer horns. What am I, chopped liver? What is wrong with me? Because I'd really like to KNOW! Am I so incredibly hideous?!
Now fast forward to Tuesday night, that very evening. The gas guy comes to fix my heater (finally! heat!) and fix the stove leak. He's cute. Really cute. He lingered...he fiddled with the stove a second, third, fourth time, unnecessarily...we talked about movies, music, dogs, our mothers. And then he finally started heading for the door, moving ever so slowly...and what do you think I did?
I quickly shut the door in his face.
That is what I did. Once he started for the door, I withdrew all the signals I had thrown out before, and reverted back to me, she who is a total social retard, i.e. cold and weird. Walking away, he must have felt like he had imagined the entire 2 hours he was here.
It was really like an out-of-body experience. As if I was suspended in the corner of the room, watching myself toss this guy out, and I had no power to stop myself!
And the Universe said, "Well? What have you got to say for yourself now?"
And to that I answer, "Where's the bag to put over my head?"
1 Comments:
I said it before and I'll say it again, just break the stove and get the guy back to your apartment!
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