Shit Happens...and happens...and happens...
I was doing okay this week until today. I mean I was still nauseous and unable to eat much, but I haven't been feeling like this. I don't even know how to explain this situation and I'm so sick of thinking about it and about writing about it, as I'm sure you're sick of reading about it, but fuck it. If you don't want to read about E, then stop reading RIGHT NOW, roll your eyes, and go look at a happier, less self-involved blog!
I've been calling E Dave. Why? Couldn't tell you really. I suppose it distances him a bit, perhaps. Anything for the distance. So for now, he's Dave.
The situation is quite impossible. It's a pattern of mine, I think. Falling for people in which the situation is impossible. Several months back, when I had weeded the two other guys out I was dating after I had moved here and started focusing on Dave and thinking a lot more about him on a daily basis and looking forward to the phone calls and the weekends and whatever else might come up in between, it occurred to me that I needed to sleep with someone else pronto. I almost did - twice, but didn't, ultimately. I thought this because I thought there was something in my brain, and probably most of our brains, that gets 'used' to another body that frequents it often, so to speak. Like your cells take pictures, keep memories of that person and then they latch on, and they don't forget, and they don't let you forget. And if you don't expose them to somebody new, they will come to expect that person and that person only and it makes it very hard for them to change their minds and get rid of their damn pictures because they've framed the damn things and they've latched on. They forgot there could be others because they are perfectly happy and they've forgetten everybody else...they are just cells, afterall. I kept thinking, I have to date others, I have to date others. I didn't want to get close and possibly get hurt. What do cells know? They have to have a brain to tell them what to do and mine was telling me to get out before I got hurt.
Well, too late. Hence this long semi-lucid blog my brain is typing out while my cells are drinking down Pepto to calm their nauseous nuclei.
I didn't actually get dumped. I got...distanced. He's right that I don't deserve what the relationship has deteriorated into...he is too busy and he can't provide what the two of us need to keep it going. He's right to recognize that. It would be much easier if he was an asshole but what he's doing is exactly what makes me like and admire him as much as I do and I gotta respect that. In the meantime, I guess I'll just feel like shit and keep eating Pepto tablets until it stops feeling like the world is wrong and my tiny, personal universe is back on track...
I've been calling E Dave. Why? Couldn't tell you really. I suppose it distances him a bit, perhaps. Anything for the distance. So for now, he's Dave.
The situation is quite impossible. It's a pattern of mine, I think. Falling for people in which the situation is impossible. Several months back, when I had weeded the two other guys out I was dating after I had moved here and started focusing on Dave and thinking a lot more about him on a daily basis and looking forward to the phone calls and the weekends and whatever else might come up in between, it occurred to me that I needed to sleep with someone else pronto. I almost did - twice, but didn't, ultimately. I thought this because I thought there was something in my brain, and probably most of our brains, that gets 'used' to another body that frequents it often, so to speak. Like your cells take pictures, keep memories of that person and then they latch on, and they don't forget, and they don't let you forget. And if you don't expose them to somebody new, they will come to expect that person and that person only and it makes it very hard for them to change their minds and get rid of their damn pictures because they've framed the damn things and they've latched on. They forgot there could be others because they are perfectly happy and they've forgetten everybody else...they are just cells, afterall. I kept thinking, I have to date others, I have to date others. I didn't want to get close and possibly get hurt. What do cells know? They have to have a brain to tell them what to do and mine was telling me to get out before I got hurt.
Well, too late. Hence this long semi-lucid blog my brain is typing out while my cells are drinking down Pepto to calm their nauseous nuclei.
I didn't actually get dumped. I got...distanced. He's right that I don't deserve what the relationship has deteriorated into...he is too busy and he can't provide what the two of us need to keep it going. He's right to recognize that. It would be much easier if he was an asshole but what he's doing is exactly what makes me like and admire him as much as I do and I gotta respect that. In the meantime, I guess I'll just feel like shit and keep eating Pepto tablets until it stops feeling like the world is wrong and my tiny, personal universe is back on track...
2 Comments:
i know that feeling. i've been there, and it's not fun. but hang in there. something will happen - one way or another. and whatever does is probably what's meant to be.
I had an "E" in my life. It stood for Emmette. He had this problem. He had know I was still hanging on to him. He would pull me in, then just as things felt good and right, he would do things to distance us. Then, just to be sure he could still have me, he would contact me and reconnect. Then he would distance. It was so goddamned painful. Then I found out it was a pattern and he had done it to other women, too.
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